Tuesday, 27 December 2011

It's been a while...

Actually, it's been far too long. Several people have asked me what's going on in my life, and I have been saying things along the lines of "Semper in excreta sumus solum profundum variat". Which is not strictly true. Christine still has cancer, I'm still seeking honest employment, still struggling some with stress and depression, but this is not to say that there are no silver linings.

We're surrounded by loving, caring people, Christine and I danced in the Nutcracker in November, as did Tess (of course!)

I have been meditating, attending a men's circle, and have gone so far as to attend a "men's retreat" - the New Warrior Training Adventure in September.

Each of these elements have conspired (can one conspire constructively?) to help me out in some measure. Meditation has given me a sound, balanced and well-grounded core, has helped me develop inner peace and count to ten before throwing my teddy out of the pram. Dancing in the Nutcracker was an enormous amount of fun and gave me a lot of confidence, having been told at age 13 that I would never be able to dance.

The men's circle was another boon, albeit an almost accidental one. A pal of mine had invited me to go, and in my usual rather skeptikal fashion, I kept turning down his invitation. Oh, all right, I'll fess up; I made countless excuses. Finally, one evening, I was dragged along, and found myself in one of the few places I could be truly honest about myself, my feelings and behaviours. It was like confession, only without the kneeling, and it worked. 

Suffice to say that after even more excuses, I signed up to attend the weekend "training", an eye-opening adventure into myself. It's produced lasting effects, all positive. I find myself more rounded, balanced and positive. Christine and I are even better friends as a result.

That said, I'm still struggling. The "carer" element of my life has all but taken over, and I have a fight to look after myself. I've been a cancer carer for most of the last seven years, and it's tough sometimes. Its hard to look at Christine and know that even with the best outcome, I won't have her for much longer. Not that I let it get me down; I think of the line from Theodore Gesiel (Doctor Seuss, to you): "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

Three Nutcracker dancers
Oh yes. I smile.